This past Tuesday I completed my first attempt at Shodan via Video Shinsa. It will still be weeks to months before I hear back on the results. The process, regardless of the outcome, has been enlightening.
A few major points:
- Anxiety is apparently something I struggle with.
- Practice helps overcome anxiety, to a degree.
- I'm glad I had this experience, but I think I would prefer to do in person Shinsas in the future.
The anxiety may seem like nothing worth pointing out. And for many it may not be. For me, I haven't really experienced it since around grade 10. There was a point where I was stressed about a test, I told myself that stressing wouldn't improve my grade and might actually make it worse. That stuck, and I haven't really been stressed or anxious about anything since. Until now.
On top of that, I can't seem to shake it. Even if I identify that I'm panicking in the moment. Even if I know it is no big deal and that the panic isn't helping. I'm not sure what the difference is. If I had only felt it during the Shinsa and not also during the seminar last year, then I might think it more about the scarcity. Video Shinsa is offered only once a year, it isn't free and you get only one shot at it each time. The seminar wasn't a test though and my performance didn't matter so much. Best that I've come up with is; I'm personally invested in this. I chose Kyudo for myself. Previously, school tests were things of necessity. Aikido was something my parents chose for me. Interviews were things I needed to do.
With all of that, how did I do? I actually think I did really well. In the moment I had given myself even odds at failure. I was panicking so much I don't even recall firing my 乙矢 (OTOYA - aka: my 2nd arrow). I was convinced I probably skipped some steps or screwed up massively. Rewatching the video after the fact however, my second shot actually looked (mostly) better than my first. I wouldn't say that I'm guaranteed to pass by any means, but I feel better about my odds.
And I think that this experience is key to controlling my anxiety going forward. It proved something I had been told earlier; that these situations will expose your innate skill level. And sure, I knew this beforehand, but knowledge and firsthand experience are different things. I can see massive growth since the last time I experienced panic while practicing. Last time I forgot steps and made errors in sequence. This time I missed nothing, even when my brain had checked out.
Could I have performed better? Yes. There are still many things I focus on while shooting, and when my brain shuts down, obviously I can't focus on those things. I'm stuck with my "default" settings.
So, as mentioned above, I'm happy I did the video shinsa. I didn't really want do the in person one this year with fears around US travel at the moment and I thought this would be easier. I now kind of think that the in person shinsa would have been easier. And that is actually why I'm happier I took the video shinsa. The in person ones tend to span multiple days and with a lot of time to get in and stay in the right head space. On top of that, it is done in a "proper" 体配 (TAIHAI) and not the sped up solo approach.
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